the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Boobs are out for the taking
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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