I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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