Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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