i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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