you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize