I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
