This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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