I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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