Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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