zippers are such a cool invention
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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