Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
