ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
