): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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