i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
