I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
