I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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