I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
