imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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