It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
