8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
