right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
