Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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