if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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