I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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