VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
