sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
