come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
