He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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