and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
