Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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