the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
