Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
