Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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