did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
