so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Sober January is a disaster.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
