Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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