Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My vagina is very pro this idea
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
