That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize