Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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