just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
