we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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