so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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