my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
