Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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