I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize