i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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