Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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