I think I won the penis lottery.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
