I hope mine doesn't look like that
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
