Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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