Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
