i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
