Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
