how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
