I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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