if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize