Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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