Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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